So, this may or may not be relevant for you but here it goes. I'm not much of a talker but since I've been there for so many tumblr people, now it's my time to tell you a little something. I'd be glad to tell you my whole depressing life story but it wouldn't do me any good right now.

So, I'm not going through a nice period of my life right now, like something's missing. Where am I? Who am I? I still feel like I don't belong, and this has been going on for years now! Sometimes I feel guilty for some things that happened in the past, and some other times I just feel like crying and then it becomes impossible to get out of that black hole.

Everywhere I look, there are this sad memories, memories of a past that's been tormenting me since I was a little girl. And you know something's wrong when you go to the doctor and he asks if you're more sensitive than usual and you just burst out in crying.

I'm a loner, and I'm not against it, it's just who I am. Don't get me wrong...I'm more of an inner self person; and then people just say: let's put her aside, she's weird and she never takes part in our plans. But it's more than the eye can see. Is like: Oh, you were there? I didn't see you, sorry. I'm invisible to the world and I DO HAVE A VOICE!

Maybe my destiny and future are destined to be in some other place than where I am now. I need a new beginning, to feel like I belong again. To be happy to take a train or a bus to see my friends, to have the motivation that I had in 2007.

The other day when I was with my singing teacher, she assigned me Christina Aguilera's "Hurt" song to sing for her. Now, that song has a deep and personal meaning to me. After my dad passed away, the first song that I sang in my bedroom was this one and after all this years it just makes me cry after saying the first three words. He had so many plans for me and the family, and now he's gone and I haven't been the same person ever since. He even inspired me to write my first song.

He once said: "You sing beautifully" while we were having dinner one night and I was watching VH1 where the clip of Kelly Clarkson's "Because of you" was being played. That was a moment for me, because everytime I hear that song, his voice pops in my head.

Some people don't understand some things about me and catalogue me as weird or unsocial but it's who I am. There is even health stuff that they don't even know about me and just have no idea. Why do I feel uncomfortable at certain situations or conversation topics? Why is she constantly skipping or missing class? Why doesn't she talk that much? Why isn't she going out with us? Why is it that she spends her time writing and taking photos? Why is she so passionate? Why does she feel like an outsider? Why does she cry over everything? Why didn't she go out with that guy? Why doesn't she laugh or smile that much as she used to?

There's more than what meets the eye, and maybe I'm complicated but trust me, it took me some time to figure out myself too, to understand where each puzzle piece fit in, why am I like this, and since these last days I've found some answers.

When I hear someone say: "My life's over, I've failed my exam!" or anything like that I remember my past. You're lucky to be here, listening, feeling, seeing...breathing, being ALIVE in one way or another, having someone waiting for you at home or even coming to pick you up. There are worse things in life and maybe you feel like dying but it's just an exam, it would be worse to hear: "My life's over. I got terminal cancer", but still hear that person moving on, enjoying those last moments, make them count.

My life isn't as complicated as that, but there's so much going on right now, so many ups and downs in my family that affect me so deeply, I don't wanna lose anyone else in my life. I want to get out that feeling of sadness and scare of my life for good.

I love my work, I enjoy what I'm studying, but I'm scared to death if something would happen to either my mom, brother or grandma. It's like, since 2007, death has been present in my life, tormenting me, making me choosing different paths. Because seeing your grandpa getting taken out of your house in an ambulance while is your dad's funeral is no picnic, and not recognizing him because of the look on his face is awful. I don't want that again....EVER!

I know all this happened for a reason but I think i'll never get it over. I am this girl today because of all that, those deaths being what collapsed me and my universe. So please, don't judge me and think what you're going to say about me before bursting out those words from your mouth. You don't know me and maybe you just say: "oh my God, you're such a cry-baby" but trust me, it'll linger in my mind forever.

So, understand, this is a hard time for me...don't judge me for being even more socially awkward than usual, if you want and try, maybe you'll understand a bit more about me.

From me to you

you are unique, no matter what other people desire that you become, you have total control over your life and you shouldn't be ashamed to show who you really are. Unleash your inner self, live every day as if there wasn't a tomorrow, love the ones that surround you, don't hate on your haters, learn to forgive, respect your parents, be thankful for every day that you're alive, enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face, be silent and learn to listen to the silence, lay on the grass and enjoy the nature, listen to the wonders that await underwater, pray to your God to have redemption, learn to love forgetting your umbrella and letting the rain pour down your face, find the positive side while trapped in a traffic jam, when you think there's no hope, try to find a hint, find a world of possibilities, defend the one's that have no voice, never let anyone tell you that you can't do something, aim high, grow in every aspect of your life, don't be ashamed to cry when you think a piece of you is missing, sing that song you love out loud, don't be ashamed to say 'I love you', never forget where you come from, give a wide smile to the world that awaits for you behind the door...be perfectly imperfect...be YOU.

Bullying and me

Ok...so after A LOOOONG time without posting anything and having sooo many drafts in my head (and also after watching tonts of tumblr posts and youtube videos about this) I decided to write this.

You know what? I used to be bullied at school too, and let me say, all those mean words that my classmates and others said to me are very fresh in my memory. I used to be bullied because of my being shy, because of having certain skin colour, because of my looks, because of my being top of my class, because of never cursing...

When I was...I think I was 3 years old or something like that, I used to be the leader to those who were my friends. If I said: "Let's play this", they all followed me. I was so carefree and laughing all the time. Those were the best days. Every time I watch those old videos on my TV I see this girl who was happy and loved by everyone. And I kinda miss that, wishing I could have remained just like that until the year I graduated from high school.

When primary school started and new friends and classmates appeared, I turned into this shy girl, the one that didn't get noticed. Even boys and girls from other grades used to make stupid jokes about me. If we were on our breaks and I was waiting to buy my breakfast on line, they would just ignore me and get in my way. I was so naive and shy that I would just let them do that. I remember having my name written on my school uniform and this older boy came to me with his friend and said: "Hey Erika, what's your name?" and laugh out loud. I remember looking down and walking away. Why was it always me? Why couldn't I say just something?

Even while on holiday this girl would tease me. If I were playing with my brother she would come and say: "You're ugly, your name is ugly and you're fat" and that would just break my heart. How was I supposed to be a role model for my brother if I couldn't stand up and say something back to this mean girl? Every time my family and I went on holidays with friends, I would hang out with the boys because it was much easier. They wouldn't call me ugly, fat or whatever, they would just tuck me in as one of them, and it felt nice.

One of my friends when I was like 8, said to me: "My sister thinks that you look like a monkey and that you're ugly, but you're my best friend, but I thought you should know" That broke my heart, and if my confidence was low, then after that, it was worse. A boy once said something really mean to me one morning at school. Out of nowhere he just insulted me because of my skin tone being darker than his. I started sobbing and went to my teacher. She told him not to call me that anymore and eventually he didn't. But I still remember that moment perfectly.

Once one teacher even called me DOCILE in front of the entire classroom because if she told me: "Erika, why don't you just go and sit there next to...?" I would do it, because I was so shy. Awful.

And there were this mean, mean girls that would say awful things to my best friend, molest her and I defended her whenever in music class they would grab her flute not allowing her to play. I would try to not let go and try to not allow that to happen, but this girl gave me this awful look every time. It scared me...

I was always last picked when we used to be in gym class. I would never get the ball, would always be screamed at for not doing my job well, be called stupid, slow, idiot and lots of things more. And I thought that being selected to be the flag bearer for an entire year would make them stop! I mean, the school principal adored me, the secretaries adored me but some of my classmates still made fun of me, still calling me fat, ugly, loser...but I tried to stay in my happy place with my three friends. We would spend our fifteen minutes breaks talking and eating in the chapel or listening to our Walkmans in the classroom, being the ones that we couldn't be when the break was over. Even at camps we were teased, that was awful.

But one time I said: ENOUGH and I remember seeing this girl's face when she had said something about me and I replied: "You're an asshole" and she was like: "Oh my God, she speaks!"

And when I had a fight with my friends, there was this other group that tuck me in. I felt respected and like I belonged, even if we were slightly different in our opinions. I still cared about my friend and eventually made up with them. We promised we would remain together until school ended. I remember getting a list of my classmates where we had to tick the ones that we would like to have as classmates when we started secondary school the next year. I think that me and my three friends were the ones that agreed not to have those bullies near us anymore. That happened, thank God.

When this new year started and I got to meet my new classmates that had gone to school in the afternoons, I felt loved and that I belonged. We had an amazing time together! We had our group of friends that would just dance during breaks, make jokes, have meetings during the week and weekends, it felt great. But when we had English class, I had to face those bullies again. I didn't care because I was happy, and having just two hours a week with them didn't affect me.

I was still being picked last at gym class but I tried my best every time, I was still top of my class, flag bearer again, even given the comradeship badge from my classmates, those were the days.

I found that strength through music which showed me that I should stand up for myself, let them know that I am unique and special, to not let bullies bring me down, succeed and show that I don't care what they say because my classmates and new friends believed and loved me. And that's what I did. The bullying somehow stopped, and that fat, shy girl was gone. I even had a best friend, a boy, that had fallen in love with me. I would have never thought in a million years, not even a lifetime, that something like that would happen! When I had my quinceañera I was the center of attention, everyone said that they didn't know that I could be that funny and open with everyone, that made that night the best one by far!

As we started playing hockey at school, I was always picked as part of the "attack" team by our coach, and as I was so good at it I was sometimes the goalkeeper or a great defense. We won lots of times, I started being picked first, not only at hockey but also when playing volleyball. I even got my revenge with that girl that used to tease me all the time. Revenge was sweet! Thanks to her bullying I became who I was, I was the best in the team, the best in school, found pretty by boys, my friends defended me, asked for my advice and help at studying.

And those last three years of high school I grew even more. I was more open, not caring about them making fun of me, had an amazing relationship with my new classmates when choosing the economical orientation in high school. I belonged not to one group, but to three of them, had best friends girls and boys, winning volleyball matches, being top of my class in English, loving to speak in front of my class, making fun of myself and sharing laughs with teachers and classmates.

Maybe some of those girls who used to be my best friends weren't anymore, but that new group of friends helped me to become the girl that I am today. And for those who said that I was ugly and fat....SUCK IT! I'm successful, I've traveled to Europe while you stayed in Buenos Aires, studying hard like idiots, I had the chance to meet lots of important people and I may get a job at the European Parliament. I'm about to get my Proficiency results and have lots of doors opened because of this. I may not be the skinniest girl in the world, but I have friends that love me and I never needed to bully anyone to feel more important or popular at school. I can sing, I love acting, I can write amazing stories in just 10 lines, I have an amazing family that supports me and nowadays, whenever I see someone getting bullied, I stand up for them and tell those bullies to shut up because some day, we'll get back to you and you'll regret it!

That's all,

love, the girl that you said was fat, ugly, stupid, looked like a monkey and that would never find love in her life!

Rumi

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don´t finally meet somewhere. They´re in each other all along.”

♥Rumi♥

Thanks to the amazing an gorgeous Talitha for introducing me to this amazing man, he changed my life :D Have a blessed sunday!

Creativity...

So, it's Sunday night and here I am, trying to write a new entry for my blog. (oh, and also trying to keep on writing a novella that I've started writing on February)

I have so many things in my mind concerning my writing but I just don't seem to find a way to write them down on paper or on Microsoft Word. Maybe I'll try something different, or maybe even start writing something new.

Maybe someday I'll publish my first 100 pages story somewhere, but for now, I'm just waiting for inspiration to get inside my head.

And....well, I'll go on and try to write something, a few lines at least. Wish me luck!

A greater future awaits for me...

Yesterday while watching a silly TV program (a lame talk show) without realizing it, I was thinking as a psychologist, giving my honest answers to a TV screen while my mother sat next to me. It was weird because; it happens that I sometimes regret leaving my psychology studies. It's like on the one hand my head screams PSYCHOLOGY whilst the other part of my head screams ENGLISH TRANSLATOR. And I came to the idea of: ENGLISH PSYCHOLOGIST. Because, you'll see, I've come to that point where everybody's going to London either to study or travel and I'm stuck here. My entire life was surrounded by the idea of my living abroad. I know every corner of London without even being there in my life. And it brings me to tears to see that as a distant future. My mom tells me to stop fantasizing about it, but, I feel it closer than ever. I even asked to get my new passport for my birthday! I feel in my heart that this can't wait any longer. I remember planning a family trip back in 2007 for the European winter, but it never happened. And then my dad died and that seemed farer than ever. So, now I just want to get the money, buy the ticket and inhale the English culture. Is it a bad thing?

I don't fit here, sometimes I feel like the real me is hidden somewhere inside of me; and it kills me. I have this weird sensation that I was born for greater things, maybe is a weird and ridiculous thing but not right now. I've started writing my first short stories in ENGLISH at the early age of 11. I mean, who does that...having Spanish as a mother tongue? Nothing shared those same hobbies with me. I used to perform those mini plays if you want, alone in my room, night after night, pretending to be a famous actress, planning a future, planning to get a book published. And here I am. I somehow feel like my dad is guiding me; telling me: "go for it!" because he was like me in that way. So, who knows? I'm just planning to take all my exams at University in order to be able to have those three months free to travel to Europe or USA. I just need to speak English 24/7. English is the blood in my veins! :D