Lately I've been having some sort of flashbacks about my first love. I think it's time to tell the truth about it, because I haven't been completely honest about it. The thing is...I'm not relationship material, how do I know this? I'm socially awkward and I have my own fantasy about things, even though I know they are only real in my mind. There was only ONE day when I wasn't afraid and didn't care about the others around me. Did I like it? Yes. Should I have kissed him back then? Probably. The only diary that I have, and is 40 pages long, is the one that talks about the way I felt when I had this feeling towards him. Whenever I unlock the padlock with the key, all I can do is smile and remember those amazing times when I experienced LOVE on its pure meaning. Feeling those butterflies in my stomach, feeling my knees turn into jelly, feeling my heart racing faster...

Of course there are some unfortunate moments but most of them are of joy.

Whenever I turn to page 31 I can't help but to feel everything that I used to feel back then. THAT day when nothing else mattered. It feels like yesterday...19th of June 2004. My best friend's birthday, us acting as a couple and that feeling of love which hadn't been said but was implied and flying in the air. Now that I think about it, I don't remember anything but the two of us at the party. I was completely happy, carefree...but because of my fear of turning it into something more, it never went farther than that. Do I regret at least giving him a kiss? Yes, definitely.

But, if you know me, I'm not a very physical person. I'm not comfortable with human contact, in the sense of having to talk with someone I don't know, or tell someone how much I care about him/her. I've always been like this. I know, I need to figure out what's with me, tell me about it!

Anyway, that day was the only exception, but my motto is "everything happens for a reason" and I've gone through the ANGER phase, the MELANCHOLY phase, and the TEARING UP LETTERS one. But, surprisingly, the only part (of the thousands of letters that he sent me) that I keep pasted in one of the diary pages is that of the day when he asked me to be his girlfriend in a very sweet way--> as if it were a multiple choice test with two options. I wasn't ready nor unafraid of what may happen. That's it. As simple as that, but moooooore complicated from my point of view inside. My therapist and my colleagues have told me to meet with him and talk about it. We still talk sometimes, but it will never be the same. Having a male best friend for what has been a period of almost four years, means him knowing me like the back of his hand, even now, when we haven't talked or seen each other in years! He can read my mind just by looking right into my eyes or reading what I type on the MSN. And I don't want to face that situation again, because he's been one of the most important things in my life. He helped me to find and know myself, to take those big steps that help me nowadays to speak from experience to other boys and girls who seek for my advice. So, here's what I have to say. Don't be afraid, take that step, there's always a first time for everything. Love is amazing if you let it in, and more if that person is the one you trust the most in.

Yeah...now, for me....that's a whole other story