So, this may or may not be relevant for you but here it goes. I'm not much of a talker but since I've been there for so many tumblr people, now it's my time to tell you a little something. I'd be glad to tell you my whole depressing life story but it wouldn't do me any good right now.
So, I'm not going through a nice period of my life right now, like something's missing. Where am I? Who am I? I still feel like I don't belong, and this has been going on for years now! Sometimes I feel guilty for some things that happened in the past, and some other times I just feel like crying and then it becomes impossible to get out of that black hole.
Everywhere I look, there are this sad memories, memories of a past that's been tormenting me since I was a little girl. And you know something's wrong when you go to the doctor and he asks if you're more sensitive than usual and you just burst out in crying.
I'm a loner, and I'm not against it, it's just who I am. Don't get me wrong...I'm more of an inner self person; and then people just say: let's put her aside, she's weird and she never takes part in our plans. But it's more than the eye can see. Is like: Oh, you were there? I didn't see you, sorry. I'm invisible to the world and I DO HAVE A VOICE!
Maybe my destiny and future are destined to be in some other place than where I am now. I need a new beginning, to feel like I belong again. To be happy to take a train or a bus to see my friends, to have the motivation that I had in 2007.
The other day when I was with my singing teacher, she assigned me Christina Aguilera's "Hurt" song to sing for her. Now, that song has a deep and personal meaning to me. After my dad passed away, the first song that I sang in my bedroom was this one and after all this years it just makes me cry after saying the first three words. He had so many plans for me and the family, and now he's gone and I haven't been the same person ever since. He even inspired me to write my first song.
He once said: "You sing beautifully" while we were having dinner one night and I was watching VH1 where the clip of Kelly Clarkson's "Because of you" was being played. That was a moment for me, because everytime I hear that song, his voice pops in my head.
Some people don't understand some things about me and catalogue me as weird or unsocial but it's who I am. There is even health stuff that they don't even know about me and just have no idea. Why do I feel uncomfortable at certain situations or conversation topics? Why is she constantly skipping or missing class? Why doesn't she talk that much? Why isn't she going out with us? Why is it that she spends her time writing and taking photos? Why is she so passionate? Why does she feel like an outsider? Why does she cry over everything? Why didn't she go out with that guy? Why doesn't she laugh or smile that much as she used to?
There's more than what meets the eye, and maybe I'm complicated but trust me, it took me some time to figure out myself too, to understand where each puzzle piece fit in, why am I like this, and since these last days I've found some answers.
When I hear someone say: "My life's over, I've failed my exam!" or anything like that I remember my past. You're lucky to be here, listening, feeling, seeing...breathing, being ALIVE in one way or another, having someone waiting for you at home or even coming to pick you up. There are worse things in life and maybe you feel like dying but it's just an exam, it would be worse to hear: "My life's over. I got terminal cancer", but still hear that person moving on, enjoying those last moments, make them count.
My life isn't as complicated as that, but there's so much going on right now, so many ups and downs in my family that affect me so deeply, I don't wanna lose anyone else in my life. I want to get out that feeling of sadness and scare of my life for good.
I love my work, I enjoy what I'm studying, but I'm scared to death if something would happen to either my mom, brother or grandma. It's like, since 2007, death has been present in my life, tormenting me, making me choosing different paths. Because seeing your grandpa getting taken out of your house in an ambulance while is your dad's funeral is no picnic, and not recognizing him because of the look on his face is awful. I don't want that again....EVER!
I know all this happened for a reason but I think i'll never get it over. I am this girl today because of all that, those deaths being what collapsed me and my universe. So please, don't judge me and think what you're going to say about me before bursting out those words from your mouth. You don't know me and maybe you just say: "oh my God, you're such a cry-baby" but trust me, it'll linger in my mind forever.
So, understand, this is a hard time for me...don't judge me for being even more socially awkward than usual, if you want and try, maybe you'll understand a bit more about me.
