It's almost 2 am and I'm blogging. I really can't find any inspiration to write, draw or paint...I really miss it. I guess that this year made me realize so many things about myself. I found out in therapy that there are lots of things that I need to show to the world. As I usually said to my therapist: "They see just one side of me". I guess that after my dad died I changed so much. I needed to move on, losing my dad one day and my grandpa the next day really crushed me. My world came tumbling down. You know when you say: "Poor girl, that must be horrible". It is worse. Sometimes it feels something that happened far far away, in a parallel universe or a nightmare but then you say: No wait...they're gone. I won't say that I don't miss him, because that would be a lie. Sometimes I'm just afraid that someday I might forget his face, his voice, his smell, the way he smiled at me, the nicknames he used to call me, the games, our rides to university, laughing while the traffic jam was ahead us...(great, tears! :( ) But now death is something that terifies me, I live with fear...fear to lose another family memeber soon. It would be just too much.
I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to my dad. At 6 am I wasn't in a good mood and I wasn't a girl who talked that much. I regret not saying goodbye to him that day; I should have ran after him and hugged him strongly and say: Daddy I love you. But I'm not like that.
And to find out the way I did...that was worse. I foudn out what had happened a year and a bit more later, when my aunt from Slovenia came for a visit. I couldn't take it, it was too much. I had to leave the kitchen just to go to the bathroom and cried, as I looked at myself in the mirror. I remember thinking what happened, imaging different situations, and just to see that image of him on the floor lifeless felt like a stab in my heart.
Therapy was a good thing to do, and I was studying psychology so that helped me too. My friends were great supporters too. I would be eternally thankful to them.
And now...my life is going into a completely different direction. I decided to change. Next year I'll start a new career in a different university. I love English, so I'll be an English translator. Maybe that way I'll get the chance to travel because it's my passion, I always said that this place, this country wasn't enough for me, I want bigger things, adventures. I've dreamt about going to London like...FOREVER. I hope to go there sometime. I always saw my future in a foreign country, speaking another language, maybe this will open many doors for me. So...this will be a nice way to start my 21 years of life.
Next time I'll blog I'll upload some new photos or drawings, paintings....I bet that the music will inspire me this time. I've downloaded many songs that inspired me so as we say here: "Manos a la obra" (which can be translated as: let's get this party started...or something like that haha)
